Grace that is greater than all my fears.

I feel like God has been switching gears in my head when it comes to adoption and our family. I feel the nudge to move forward again, but still not sure on the timing. I recently started selling "Thirty-One " products and committed when I began that any and all profit would go to adoption. I don't know yet if it's our adoption of if I am to pass it on to others. Obviously, this has gotten us talking timing and such. No definate answers yet, but I'll keep you posted.

My brain, in all of it's female wonder, goes immediately from the question of "should we adopt now?" to "Do I really like the name Aliyah?" with a couple of stops at nursery schemes and paint colors. I know I'm crazy and I'm thankful for those that love me anyway. Hang with me here.

The name Joy is a definate. Hands down. Non-negotiable. I even thought about naming her just "Joy". But, it felt incomplete. Enter Beth Moore's Esther study. I have had the priviledge to watch session 2 of this series twice now and in it Beth talks about Esther being an orphan. I loved the story and it made me think of myself in God's eyes and my little boy here on earth. Then she said this, "You can't amputate your history from your destiny." She went on to add that whatever God has planned to accomplish through you will not happen without your full story.

If you kept up with our first adoption or were around when I gave birth to our first son, then you know I didn't handle those life changes very well. The months after Levi came home were an especially dark time for me and I was making horrible decisions. But, when I heard Beth Moore talk about my history shaping my destiny I thought how awesome it would be to walk through another adoption and remain completely dependent on Him for HIS GLORY! To check my expectations at the door and to love a little girl the right way from the start.

I am so not proud of myself for the depression that I sunk into after our trip to Ethiopia and it is something that enemy is able to use against me on a daily basis if I let him. But, there is grace for each day and hope that with the Spirit's help, I can live a minute/hour/day to please God and point attention to HIM. The fear of repeating past mistakes is something that keeps me tied down and not persuing another adoption. (And other small details, like a lack of $30K...)

I know that starting out on a journey to please God and glorify Him is just asking for trouble. I know I need the grace of God to get through and remain protected. So, I started thinking about names that mean Grace because "Grace Joy" sounded silly.

But, Hannah Joy sounds delightful.